Tag: authenticity

Empathy – the Key to Interpersonal Success

Posted by: Susan Zabriskie    Tags:      Posted date:  July 6, 2012

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While emotional self-awareness is the foundational EQ skill, empathy is the one most fundamental to interpersonal success.  The EQ-i 2.0 Model of Emotional Intelligence defines empathy as: “recognizing, understanding, and appreciating how other people feel. Empathy involves being able to articulate your understanding of another’s perspective and behaving in a way that respects others’ feelings”. 

Each component of this definition (recognizing, understanding, appreciating) has its own accompanying skillset.  We may easily recognize and identify how another is feeling, but understanding and appreciating these emotions can be quite challenging at times, particularly if we find our own emotions getting in the way.  True empathy requires putting our own feelings on the shelf (at least temporarily), regardless of our opinion or agenda.  It’s about creating space for another to openly share thoughts and feelings while we wholeheartedly “take in” their feelings, without judgment.  Easier said than done!

In my coaching practice, I work with executives to develop their empathy skills and often find they misconstrue its meaning and, consequently, undervalue its merits.  To many, empathizing equates to agreeing and many leaders struggle with this perspective.  One CEO told me that as long as his employees were “doing what they were supposed to be doing” he could empathize with them, but if they weren’t he could not.  I suggested to him that, in essence, he was “qualifying his empathy”, to which, after some thought, he agreed was the case.  This is an example of a common misconception about empathy.

True empathy does not pick and choose or require one meet certain criteria in order to receive it.  But, it also does not mean that you have to forego your own values or opinions. Empathizing without enabling can be a tricky balance.  But, the key is to see empathy, not as enabling, but simply as genuinely seeking to understand another; to create a connection that says, “I value your feelings and thoughts because they are yours; because I value you.”  Offering empathy does not mean you condone or agree; it simply means you focus on hearing another’s perspective first, and make sure they feel heard.  This speaks to the second part of our definition:  being able to articulate your understanding of another’s perspective and behaving in a way that respects others’ feelings.

A common stumbling block here is the “not enough time” factor.  Time-starved leaders often see taking the time to listen and then verbally offering empathy as just not a realistic option.  And, yet, once employees feel valued and heard, even if their needs or feelings can’t be fully met, their sense of loyalty, commitment and engagement will increase, building a climate that ultimately creates real competitive advantage.  I call it the “sweat equity” of leadership.  Taking the time (and it often requires far less than we think) to build these relationships is an investment that bears real ROI.  See the EQ News to Use section of EQ Insights newsletter for links to related studies.

If you struggle to be empathic, start small.  Begin by offering what I call “cognitive empathy”.  This is simply using that Communications 101 skill of paraphrasing.  Reflecting back the verbal meaning of what you hear is a great first step to creating connections wherein people feel heard and understood.  Deeper empathy, or “intuitive empathy”, involves listening for and reflecting back feelings.  As the name suggests, this skill requires sensing what another feels, even though they may not explicitly state it – a much harder skill to develop, especially if you are not practiced in relating to others in this way.

The deepest and most connective level of intuitive empathy is listening and reflecting back what another values or needs. Contrary to common belief, what we feel is not generated from an external source, i.e. another person or some frustrating circumstances.  These can be the trigger, but the real source of our emotions stems from something we value strongly that is being threatened or a current need that is unmet. Seeking to understand this in another and reflecting it back is the “pièce de résistance” of empathy.

An employee who feels heard and understood will go above and beyond to contribute to the organization’s success.  A culture with this level of engagement?  Hard to beat.  Believe it or not, empathy can be a major contributor to getting there.  For more information on how to develop emotional intelligence and empathy in your organization, click here.

Self-Awareness: The Hallmark EQ Trait

Posted by: Susan Zabriskie    Tags:  authenticity, emotional intelligence, emotions, eq, interpersonal, leadership, management, relationships, self-awareness, social awareness, teamwork, triggers, workplace    Posted date:  April 11, 2012

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Self-awareness is the foundational EQ skill. It involves two key elements: first, is the ability to differentiate between subtleties in our emotions while understanding their cause and the impact they have on our thoughts and actions and, second, is being aware of how we affect others. Without this kind of awareness, we can go through life blind to the effect our emotions and actions have on both our self and those around us – and wreak havoc in the process – unaware of the fallout we leave in our wake!

For example, self-aware leaders observe how others respond to them. They pay attention to the nuances of their own emotions and are aware of how they come across. They spend time reflecting on how their decisions and communication will be perceived and adjust accordingly.  On the other hand, a leader lacking in self-awareness is not tuned in to how their decisions, interactions and feelings affect others. They don’t pick up on the emotional reality of their teams and the organization’s emotional climate, resulting sometimes in disastrous outcomes.

Developing this internal awareness starts with paying attention to not just how or what we’re feeling, but to also tune into any physical sensations that accompany those feelings.  It involves sitting with an emotional experience, letting it play out internally while we just watch. Think of it as a form of “data collection” in order to learn what makes you tick. Try to perceive feelings as neutral “emotion-information”, something to objectively observe and learn from, rather than getting caught up in the passion of the emotion.

As we dispassionately and objectively watch our reactions, we begin to learn what triggers us.  Patterns become apparent and we can then develop strategies to better manage our emotional reactions, which leads to better social awareness of how we affect others.

So, practice sitting with your emotions and just watching them.  Ponder their source without blaming someone or something external. Just gather data. This takes time and self-reflection, but is well worth the effort.

Secondly, think objectively about how an emotional outburst or social interaction affected those around you, whether positive or negative.  Don’t beat up on yourself; simply strive to learn from your observations.  Ask someone you trust who knows you well to share their observations, resisting the temptation to discount their opinion if it differs from how you see yourself.  A good question to keep in your back pocket:  ”Could I be wrong?”

In a nutshell, building self-awareness is about being honest with yourself about yourself while being honest about yourself with others. Something we can all get better at!

To find out your level of self-awareness and how to develop it, check out our Why Emotional Intelligence? page.

Real Relationships – Grass Roots Living

Posted by: Susan Zabriskie    Tags:  authenticity, conflict, emotional intelligence, emotional safety, emotions, honesty, marriage, relationships, respect, teams, teamwork, trust    Posted date:  March 27, 2012

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What is a real relationship? At its core it’s about putting on the table what each person is really feeling and thinking. It’s about dealing with what I call “grass roots” feelings, i.e. the subtext underneath what we often choose to share instead. A classic, simplistic example: your significant other or colleague says, “How are you?” and you say, “Fine”, when you are anything but. What you really think and feel remains hidden beneath the surface.  Depending on the nature of the relationship, it may or may not be relevant to share how you really feel, but learning to share more authentically in any relationship has many benefits.

When we hide our authentic selves we end up dealing with what I call “pretends” rather than what really is. I pretend I’m fine, so you respond to me based on a false premise. Your response may then be skewed or modified to reflect my pretend and now we’re that much farther from the reality of our feelings. And on and on it goes. Like a plane programmed with wrong coordinates that little by little goes off course, you end up at a completely different destination than originally intended.  In relationships, the end “destination” is often a superficial connection with our self and others.

Why do we choose to skirt our real feelings? Again, it’s different for all of us, but often it has to do with fear – fear of reprisal, fear of consequences, fear of rejection, conflict, emotions. Fill in the blank.

The crux of this problem lies within our own psyche, but before we can get past the fear we need to know it’s safe to share. Emotional safety requires two fundamentals: a mutual agreement to honest sharing, and a commitment to do so without judgment and criticism. Partners in real relationships jointly create and commit to this kind of safety both when listening and expressing. Feelings and thoughts become neutral “emotion information” rather than something to be negatively judged and reacted to. When partners or members of a team mutually agree and commit to this kind of sharing and level of trust, powerful things happen. On a personal level, we develop a greater sense of self and self-confidence, while relationships become more highly connective and satisfying.

The old adage, “easier said than done” is probably more true here than anywhere else! The trick is to start small, agreeing to express and accept w/o criticism on the innocuous stuff that’s not so laden with emotion. If, during, an exchange, you start to feel criticism or negativity rising, this is your grass roots feeling, happening in real time. Own it, put it on the table as neutral information and, if needed, take a time out before moving on. Keep practicing, and gradually you’ll lose the pretends and start relating based on your authentic, true selves in a more proactive and purposeful way. Agree, upfront, with your partner or team members that you will function in this manner, i.e. create a norm for interacting so that everyone is on the same page from the outset.

Obviously, this is complex stuff because we all come with baggage that can get in the way. Learning to listen to our own thoughts and feelings without criticism may be the first step. As expressed by Deepak Chopra, “The highest form of human intelligence is the ability to observe yourself without judgment”.

Grass roots living is learning to accept and respect each other because of our authenticity, not in spite of it.

For more info on developing authentic relationships check out our Profitable Dialogue™ page.

Emotional Intelligence & Team Performance

Posted by: Susan Zabriskie    Tags:  emotional intelligence, emotions, engagement, leadership, organization development, productivity, soft skills, team building, teamwork    Posted date:  February 29, 2012

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Came across this new study this week on how EI impacts team performance.  Interestingly, I just returned last week from co-facilitating leadership development training in Boston for a global retailer/manufacturer, where our program was heavily based in emotional intelligence. As we worked through the 2-part program (started in October), participants increasingly saw the connection between their own levels of self-awareness, empathy, ability to regulate their emotions and resolve conflict to the performance of their direct reports and/or peer groups.

When leaders take the time to build self-awareness and competencies within the “soft skills” domain, the hard skills improve. It’s about “tilling the personal soil”, i.e. doing the inner work, that builds leadership capacity to build great teams.  I call it creating “sweat equity” – putting in the time it takes to focus on relationships that pays off with a much greater ROI.

Pay attention to the emotional reality of your team.  Solicit their feedback on what the team needs in order to function optimally and put in your time to help meet these needs.  This is the sweat equity that will pay off in spades down the road.  If need be, bring in someone who can facilitate a process that will help create strategies for building greater cohesiveness and trust.  Whatever the need, addressing it collectively will lead to increased engagement and productivity, which can only enhance your bottom line.

I’d love to hear your experiences about building your teams, so feel free to post a comment.

Go here for more information on both Emotional Intelligence and professional facilitation.

Grounding Emotional Intelligence

Posted by: Susan Zabriskie    Tags:      Posted date:  February 26, 2012

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Every time I mention the topic of emotional intelligence to someone, I hear something in response akin to: “That is sooo interesting,” or “What a fascinating topic!”. And I wholeheartedly agree. But, the danger with this fascinating topic is that, without a concrete path to apply it, it remains just that – an interesting concept that one isn’t quite sure what to do with. I remember when I was first learning about EQ I struggled to get my head around what it really was. It took some study and personal exploration – eventually leading to certification and now, Master Trainer designation. So, my journey with EQ has evolved, but one thing remains – it is universally applicable and highly personal at the same time. That’s the beauty of it.

Where does one start with bringing this concept down to earth? It starts with understanding oneself – developing an awareness and mindfulness of your own emotions without either getting hijacked by them or ignoring them as inconsequential. Emotions are the guideposts to our decision-making, so understanding how we feel is key to making good decisions that we’re satisfied with and that work for all involved. Freud described self-awareness as having an “evenly hovering attention” while we watch our self feel and act. It’s monitoring what’s going on in a dispassionate, somewhat detached way.

Start practicing this mindfulness whenever you feel an emotion welling up. Let the feeling play out inside, trying not to get caught up in it – just watch, taking mental notes of what’s happening internally. Look for patterns and triggers. As you do, you’ll be building the foundational competency of emotional intelligence: self-awareness. It’s the first step in building a real relationship with yourself.